Waking up

Well, its the New Year...thats pretty much all thats new so far. I'm still faced with the same problems since 2007.

If i could have a wish, I'd just wanna wake up happy with myself every morning for a change. All i get these days are heavy feet and thoughts of not waking up anymore. Its torturous trying to justify all these years I've been alive. It makes me wonder what my purpose really is.

I was too playful in school but i somehow managed to pull through decent enough to get into college, which i was so reluctant of starting immediately. I was the kinda kid that didn't have goals or ambitions at the time, so having fun was all i was about. College took longer than i had planned and in the end, I ended up with nothing. Four years were wasted and i came out an idiot. I worked as a barista in Starbucks for a year till i got an offer to work as a Sales Exec in Bose, which i later got promoted to Pro Sound Engineer. Sounds cool don't it? Engineer...The pay didn't relate to the title and future was null and void.

Then one day, Imran wanted to take his drivers license so I got in touch with an old friend. Whom proposed that i join his company as a franchisee. Metro Driving Academy it was for then. You see, being incapable of finishing my studies due to a lack of determination and money, i had no other means of achieving greatness in society. At least that what i thought at the time. Opportunities like this don't come easy and so i clenched it tight. But after 2 years and a lot of suffering, in ended. And left me with a big hole in my wallet. An even bigger hole in my life.

I was for once proud of myself, Managing Director of ZF Technologies, Branch Manager of Metro Driving Bandar Sunway. It was what i had always wanted and it was the first step into turning this sewer rats life around for the better. It was also the biggest screwup of my entire life.

Business is not only about the brains, its also about the money. And in this country, your race too. Without money you cant move forward, you cant cover your tracks, you cant survive. Two whole years went by too quickly and i was destroyed.

Every day since then I've been trying to keep up with debts. I hate waking up, I'm disgusted at the person I am, the life i currently live. I have no escape, but I know far too well that its something i must face and although its killing me inside i have no choice.

I motivate myself with the cars I'd love to own, the lavish life I'd love to live. People do play their part in making me feel that this is possible and I thank them for it. Yet, I dare to say that I understand a little more about suicide. I do get thoughts of quitting. I've come this far and compared to many others, my life is a dream compared to theirs. So I'm gonna stay alive. I'm gonna keep trying. I need to be somebody someday and that day must be soon.

Maybe by learning how to write, i may become good enough to write articles on cars and stuff. Or when i get down to making my videos, I can finally claim enough experience to do my own show. Well, nothing happens by just wishing and talking does it? Yet the shame I have on myself for not doing so many things right hinders me from getting down to it. I admit, i feel like a loser with nothing but calamity in my wake. I don't see the light anymore and I don't know where my will has vanished. Is this what they call "Self Pity" ? I really don't know, but this is how i feel. There is nothing i can find to justify the right in the decisions I've made so far. I find myself farther from my dreams, falling deeper into the abyss I've foolishly created for myself. This is how i feel.

But I cant quit, I cant stop, I cant turn back. I may not have a light to guide the way but I do believe that if I keep moving forward. Someday, I will create my own light. So that others may follow suit. I can be the guide. I can help others out of their darkness. I will own my Aston Martin, live that celebrity life. Because that is all i have. My dreams. I'm sick and tired of people telling me that i can't do stuff because i don't have what it takes. If no one is going to give me an opportunity, i must create my own.

I'm taking the challenge. Desire for success with the right tools and a glimpse of light is what I had hoped for. But, I'm inching in the dark with nothing more than my bare hands and the only direction i have is forward. I will make it. Soon.